I was feeling happy and not sure why, smiling and laughing for much of the evening with guests and co workers alike. I was in a great mood all of the night, and not really worrying about what my pay would be like.
When I was cashing out with my manager at the end of the night, she noticed that I had not made very much money and was noticeably upset for me.

When leaving her office, she said “Sorry the money was so bad tonight. That must really be upsetting.” Smiling and turning back I said “some money isn’t a big deal, it isn’t everything in life.” She was taken aback a little, obviously confused by my reasoning. “Sure it is!,” she replied. “Money is what we work for.”

I left the office with the conversation suspended in my mind, and could not stop wondering about where our allegiances lie. Is money everything in life? What is our motivation for life, what is my driving motivation?

What do I spend the most time on, what do I enjoy most?

I try to place God at the forefront of my life, and I am constantly letting other things take priority. School, work, music, whatever computer project I am fooling around with at the moment, friends, adventure – but most things that take up my time often seem trivial when placed in the perspective of a lifetime.

I want so much to spend my time on the things that really matter in life.

I want my motivations to be pure, and my love for others constant.

I get mad so often, I speak with haste and without prior thought.  Yesterday i had a coworker overhear me speak with anger towards a situation. Her reply was a shocked one – “Are you allowed to say that? Aren’t you studying to become a pastor?”

To hear someone say that completely winded me, knocking me off of my feet. If my motivations are not clear to others around me, are they even there?

A man in love cannot speak of anything but his love. A man having reached a great achievement cannot wait to tell all his peers. Shouldn’t a man consumed by God be equally affected?

I have always told others that God is my everything, and not always lived the life to back it up.

I want it to be evident where my allegiances lie, I want the whole world to know:

Jesus is my everything. Today, tomorrow, and always.

I want to be completely lost when apart from Him for a second, like a man in the utter darkness of night.

Life is too short to live unfulfilled, and unmotivated, and it is my simple prayer that I may live for Him in such a way that even strangers will know what my “everything” is.

What is your “everything”? Is it immediately evident to those around you?

What motivates your life? Your actions? Your speech?

What do you love most in this life?

but in all of this, i am still learning.

not necessarily learning in the academic sense,
it is something far more simple, beyond the realm of textbook and pen.

there are billions upon billions of people out there who have their own lives
their own problems
their own successes, their own failures.

millions are in love, others celebrating life;
while millions more still
worry about making it to the next paycheck, or to the next breath.

who am i to worry? to be overcome with trivial concern?
i am learning that the things of this world do not matter.

the paper with dead presidents, the worthless chunks of metal lining our pockets
all giving value to our hard work.
the trophies, the fast cars, the big houses, the straight A report card.

none of this will last.

what will people say of me when i am gone?
when i have reached the finish line.
i don’t want to be the fastest runner, or the best looking.
i don’t want to hold the most prizes, to be overwhelmed with gold medals.

i want to be the one who stops to help the one who has fallen,
to grasp the hand of my fellow competitor
to pull him back to his feet, so he may continue the race.

i want to give my strength to others,

i want to be third.

1. God
2. Everyone else
3. Me
and in that order.

i want to live my life for those around me. to overcome my selfish nature. to be a good friend, to truly change the lives of those around me.

to completely use my days to their fullest.

when i am gone, if even only one person would say:
“that man lived for not himself, but for God and for others.”
that would be far greater a reward than any i could imagine.

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment.”

Proverbs 12:14-19

Tonight I read this passage and was immediately struck by how important our words are to who we are, and to how we glorify God through our lives. Our tongue is a sharp sword which can injure people greatly, but can also be used to build people up and encourage one another.

“The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.” One thing that I struggle with in life is that sometimes it is better to listen to others than to talk to them. Sure, it is important to share our past experiences and to encourage one another, but sometimes people just want you to be there and to listen to them. It is better to hear what they have to say than to give bad advice!

“A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.” This is something that is often overlooked, and I myself had not given it much thought until tonight. Patience with our fellow imperfect humans goes a long way, and only a fool takes offense at everything that could be possibly misconstrued as insulting. We should be forgiving of the hasty, hurtful speech delivered by the  people around us, because we all have said similar things before. Also, by ignoring the insult, it helps to launch a sort of peaceful “counter-attack.” Think of it like this, the person giving the insult gains all his satisfaction through your response. If you respond in anger and draw attention to the speaker, then you are falling into the trap that he set. God is telling us that we are to turn the other cheek and to not let the words affect us, which will end up completely disarming the attacker while showing him love. No one is perfect, and we should forgive one another, and not take insulting words to heart.

“Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment.” Lying is something that enters my life far too often, and something that I am trying to remove completely every day. Deceit kills trust, and hinders our relationships with one another. Lies can creep into the life of even the strongest Christians, passing through the walls of a fortress by slipping under the crack in the door.

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Far too often, I speak and then regret ever saying anything, a feeling  I am sure you can all relate to. Words can hurt people more than any physical pain, and should be monitored closely. Words are our primary way of communicating our thoughts and emotions with one another, and should be used to heal one another rather than to wound.

Take this passage to heart, because it contains many lessons that all of us can learn. It is so easy to allow words to ruin a reputation, to damage a friendship, or to discourage someone. Your tongue is simply an instrument, ready to be used as you see fit. The choice is yours, will you encourage one another, or cause destruction?

broken bones
battle scars, war wounds,
the failures that give him pause;
he reaches for strength that no longer exists.

wind blowing,
the sky swells with anger
concussive bursts of light searing
the black backdrop growing ever darker.

defeated
he cries out to the heavens
“why must the storm come now?”
his crimson strength staining the ground.

his arms
buckle under the weight
of his rain drenched frame,
heaving skyward what remains.

past failure
still fresh in the mind
fleeting regret rushes to the front of his mind.
carelessness, poor planning, he begins to criticize his abilities.

deep inside
he looks for the strength,
for the very core of his being;
the part that tells him to press on, to never surrender.

slowly
he moves upward
but tumbles down to the earth
resigned to never try again, to accept his defeat.

a push
still coming from inside,
a lingering feeling still exists
that will not allow failure to triumph.

steadily,
carefully, slowly;
the man pulls himself up
by pushing the world away.

standing
walking slowly
hobbling awkwardly away, the man beams with pride,
only having accomplished a task which seams so menial to most.

a man
is only as mighty
as the situations that he must overcome;
and only in times of great weakness can great strength be recognized.

something is wrong. something isn’t working and i don’t know if it’s the place, the school, the major , or just me being lazy. this isn’t home for me.

i could go further into the question and ask “can we ever be at home on this earth, apart from God and surrounded by things that wish to pull us down?” and i think that we can never completely feel at home here. but i still do not know if i am following the right path, as this is bringing me no enjoyment at all and lots of heartache. i am praying about this and will find where God wants me to go, and if i am meant to endure on here, i will do it gladly.

regardless of everything, nothing can take the joy of the Lord from me. even through all of this, i have grown closer to God and am constantly seeking what he wants for me. the only thing i am absolutely sure of is my call to the ministry, and to be a pastor. i will not abandon that at any cost. please keep me in your prayers as i am becoming frustrated, but remember that i refuse to give up and will do whatever God wants me to. thank you to all of you who have been so supportive to me, you guys mean more to me than you will ever know.

i’m done doing this on my own. i’m done trying to make everything right myself, explaining everything away.

i’m done with excuses, i’m done with being frustrated with myself constantly.

i am nothing on my own.

i’m throwing in the towel on me. i want you to take it from here.

i was foolish to think i could make it on my own. without you.

you have never wronged me and yet, i continually leave you behind, unintentionally forgetting you.

i love you with all that i am. use me as you see fit, and may what you want to be done be accomplished through me from this moment forward.

may i never forget, not even for a second, the one who has created me and sustains my life.

love,

andrew